all 7 comments

[–]hoovy_woopeans[S] 3 points4 points ago

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also I just don't think i'll ever be "out" to my family as bi, and being home really makes me feel trapped in heterosexuality.

[–]StudenRadical3 3 points4 points ago

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what do you think makes you miserable at home?

[–]hoovy_woopeans[S] 2 points3 points ago

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I don't know for sure. my """headspace""" is a lot worse at home with me being constantly anxious and desperately avoiding interaction with my family members. They constantly criticize my life and how I act without even realizing they're doing it and it makes me combative and defensive even when I'm in benign conversations with them. It sort of feels like living on the edge of a fight without the catharsis of actually fighting.

[–]StudenRadical3 3 points4 points ago

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Ok so further questions:

i) how are your assertiveness skills/abilities? It might be worth it to be a 'bad boy/girl', for once, so to speak.

ii) that said one aspect of what you're doing is avoidance. It's a release of the negative parts of what you experience at home, but psychologically it may be priming you toward fearing it. It might be a good idea just boringly spend some time there and not escape it.

iii) The counterpoint would be that you can choose to, as an adult (I suppose) to not come home and own it as a decision. This might force your family to do some introspection but don't expect too much progress on the insight frontier, however. It would still be mostly you getting to avoid your family. Just tell them the next time they're inviting that you would rather not come. If they wonder why, just tell you don't want to. You can't make an omelette without cracking some eggs.

[–]toasthaste 3 points4 points ago

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I've done StudentRadical's number 3 option a couple times for holidays and family vacations and it's worked out alright; it might hurt their feelings a bit, but your mental health > their feelings.

Plus, if you tell them the reason, there's a possibility that they'll make an effort to be kinder to you when you're there, if they know that you visiting isn't a given.

I don't think "Being at home makes me unhappy and stressed out" is immature or mean spirited. Boundaries are a good thing, and sometimes feelings will get hurt when you enforce them, but that's just the nature of the thing. It generally improves things in the long run, in my experience.

[–]smart4301 1 point2 points ago

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I struggle with this, for a little while my family just thought I hated them. I won't go home for more than a few days at a time now, it's too stressful. When I was financially dependent on them I just had to suck it up and I fucking hated it, it was really bad for my mental health. Do you mind me asking what age you are?

[–]hoovy_woopeans[S] 1 point2 points ago

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I'm 19, a sophomore in college. I think I'm going to simply be staying in Maine over longer breaks and come home for a few days at a time if I can... Sucking it up sucks, I agree.